Chances are, you’ve read about the British woman who sent a scathing email to her future stepdaughter-in-law, chastising her bad manners after a weekend visit.
The email went viral after the recipient, 29-year-old Heidi Withers, forwarded it to friends. The story dominated the British media for the last few days and made its way to the United States. In both places, it has evoked strong criticism, much of it directed at mother-in-law to be Carolyn Bourne, a prominent horticulturalist.
My overwhelming thought after reading the news stories and the entire missive? I would have loved to have gotten such an e-mail. Sure, Bourne comes off as snooty, judgmental, and downright insensitive to Withers’ diabetes and the financial situation of her parents. And a mean-spirited diatribe against bad manners seems like, well, bad manners.
Still, after meeting my in-laws to be, I wish they had scripted such a message. I wish they had the courage to address me directly, to tell me exactly where I stood, to put in writing what they thought of me. More than anything, it would have been honest. And to me, honesty is at the heart of family – whether you’re born into it or marry into it. It would have put the issues on the table and precipitated an open discussion. Ideally, we would have reached a compromise, or if not, agreed to disagree and minimize our interactions.
But that’s not the way it went down for the 16 years of marriage before my 2004 divorce. My in-laws proffered criticism about me to their son, made me the scapegoat for his failures, and generally used emotional blackmail to manipulate situations to their liking. Some of their antics over the years make Carolyn Bourne look like a sensitive, open-minded woman. But I won’t share those juicy details since they’re still around, are still grandparents to my son and two nephews, and are still parents to the sister-in-law I adore and my ex-husband.
Suffice it to say that I opted to keep the peace, and consequently, endured 16 years of fake smiles, superficial conversations, and a whole lot of stress, for me individually and for my marriage. Perhaps worst of all, because of their secret vitriol, I never knew when they were being genuine – when to trust anything they said or did. My fears were validated soon after the separation, when they remarked, “We never liked her anyway.”
I haven’t seen or spoken to them since my divorce. I wish them no ill will, but removing them from my life was a gift I gave myself at a time I especially needed such a gift.
If I could do it over again, I’d like to think I would handle it differently. Famous last words, I know. The best I can do now is to vow to do better when my son brings home the woman he plans to marry. My guess is that I’ll love her instantly, but if it takes more work, sign me up. Whatever happens, I’m going to model the kind of honesty that I will expect from her. And most importantly, if I have a beef or two, I pray that I’ll have the good sense to step away from the keyboard.
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Happy 1st Birthday Lizerella!!
July 4 marks the one year anniversary of this blog. A heartfelt thanks to all of you for reading. Hugs to my sister and seven close girlfriends (four at work and three outside), without whose support I wouldn’t have continued. I also want to give a shout-out to my best college friend, a professional editor who always makes time to volunteer advice.
I’ve had a wonderful time, and am looking forward to another year together.
